I’ve lived in Ireland for two years now, and I love everything about it.
Except for one, small – or in this particular case, not so small – thing.
The other creatures that love Ireland are spiders. (OMG, I struggle to type the word) The climate here, cool, damp, humid, never too cold, suits them just fine.
No pictures
There will be no pictures in this post – at least not of the insects about whom I am writing.
I can sort of tolerate them outdoors. That’s where they (should) live and I don’t mind sharing the world with them. When I see them in the garden, I can just move away and garden in a different place until they are gone. I know that one lives in my shed…when I open the door, I check to make sure it isn’t visible before going in. And I stay well away from the corner where it lives. At least it lived there 2 years ago – I haven’t really gotten close to that corner since I first saw it.
Not even stories about them
As a child, I enjoyed the story of Charlotte’s Web, although I never really warmed up to Charlotte. And I never understood why it couldn’t have been called “Wilbur and Fern” or “Wilbur’s Happy Life on the Farm”. Reading it once was enough and I never read it to my son.
I loved every single one of the Harry Potter books and have read them multiple times. But every time Aragog appeared, it was all I could do to even hold the books. In the “Goblet of Fire” film, my son warned me, “Close your eyes for this part, Mom. You don’t want to see it.” When the scene of the marching arachnids was over, he told me it was safe to open my eyes. He was absolutely right. I did NOT need to see that. The stuff of nightmares.
The worst phrase I ever heard in my life was, “You’re never more than 3 feet from a spider.” The mere thought of it terrorizes me. Where do they come from? Why are they there? What do they want with me? It’s a phrase that haunts me.
Never, ever in my classroom
For all the years that I was teaching, the “S” word was not part of my classroom lexicon. I never ever uttered it aloud. Can you imagine what my life would have been like had my students known of my phobia? I would have had them – live, dead, plastic, rubber – everywhere. All the time. Hence, the word never passed my lips. And in my elaborate classroom Halloween décor, that was one item that never appeared. Fortunately, no one seemed to notice.
As I said, I can tolerate a few. The American “Daddy Long Legs” type that walks around in the garden doesn’t bother me much. Maybe they are ok because they move fairly slowly. They lumber more than race around. And here, there is a different version, also called a “Daddy Long Legs”. They are small things, with spindly legs that live in corners of your house. I don’t like them but they aren’t the worst thing. And my vacuum must be full of them all mushed together in that dark, dusty place. But a lot of the time I just leave them alone because I just hate dealing with them.
This was different
But yesterday things changed.
Apparently there is something called a Giant House Spider. It’s real. And that is its name. Official.
And I had one.
In my house.
I innocently opened a cupboard door to retrieve my glue gun for a project I was working on. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a movement and there, on the floor, in a plastic box I had gotten for some shelf organizing was the biggest, blackest, eight-legged creature I had ever seen.
And it moved.
Even now, as I describe it, the hair on my arms and on the back of my neck is standing up.
I screamed, jumped, and bolted from the room. (And never got the glue gun)
I retreated to the kitchen where I was basically a prisoner for the remainder of the afternoon. I wrung my hands and paced the floor trying to figure out what to do.
That Facebook meme of the burning, demolished house with the caption “I got the spider” came to mind. So I texted my son (who lives in Denver). And I texted my sister (who lives in Maryland) as if either one of them were going to be able to resolve this crisis for me.
Son’s response: “Oh no!” I could just hear the sarcasm. Followed by “Don’t they make bug spray in Ireland?” Of course they do – but that would require me to going into the room and being within spraying (and therefore sight) distance of said monster. Not an option.
Sister’s response: “I’m giving you an eye roll right now.” Well that was no help – and I didn’t even get any sympathy. (which was worse)
By now, I was seeing spiders everywhere. Out of the corners of my eyes. Every time I opened a cupboard, I expected one to jump out. I was a total wreck.
I have no pride when it comes to this situation. The fear renders me absolutely useless and helpless.
So I went to my neighbor’s house and asked if her husband might be able to come to remove the beast. To be fair, I did have to go and drop something off to her, so I had a reason for stopping by. The bug removal was just a, “Gee, if he’s not doing anything…”
After she finished laughing she showed me their “Spider Catcher” – made from a cylindrical plastic container about 2 inches in diameter with a piece of cardboard to slide across the bottom to carry the thing outside (after you’d run around the house with it terrorizing the other family members!). My only comment was to quietly mention that I didn’t think it would be big enough…
Thankfully, he agreed to help. When their two boys, ages 10 and 12, heard the mission, immediately they wanted to come to help as well. This was a very entertaining event for a Sunday afternoon! She asked if they wanted to bring the bug catcher and the younger one shouted, “No, I’ll just use my hands!” I thought I was going to lose it at that moment. The mere thought of it was more than I could bear.
We all arrived back to my house, piled out of the car, and I pointed them in the direction of the creepy crawlie – which I was praying was still contained in the box and had not escaped to be wandering around my house. Thank the Good Lord it was still, indeed, confined, and upon seeing it, my neighbour’s only comment was, “Oh! That IS a big one, isn’t it?! I retreated back to the safety of the kitchen where further hand wringing and pacing ensued. After some discussion on the best means of removal, the three of them managed to get the box outside where the boys gave the insect a thorough inspection before turning it loose in the hedge.
My heroes.
Back into the car they went and just before pulling out of the drive, my neighbour opened the window and said, “The boys looked it up. Giant. House. Spider. It’s harmless.
Harmless, indeed.
It’s a real name. Google it. (I won’t) Do NOT send pictures.